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--- apology [2026/06/12 09:03] – created ultracomfy
+++ apology [2026/06/12 12:05] (current) – ultracomfy
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 While there are many ways to express remorse, regret and a sincere commitment to maintaining social harmony, the classical approach for speaking humans is what we call an **apology**. In its simplest terms, an apology is an explicit expression of these feelings (ie. a "formal display"), either in spoken or written form. Strategically, from the perspective of the offender, the goal of an apology is to convince others that they are genuinely feeling remorse, regret and are committed to maintaining social harmony in the future. A really heartfelt apology will have the emotional goal to also alleviate some of that remorse, in the hope that expressing one's regret makes the victims feel better.
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+Difference between Regret and Remorse: Regret and remorse are different and only one is needed to issue an apology. Remorse is an ethical admission of having committed an injustice, whereas regret can be felt for anything, even things outside one's own control. People can apologize for anything they regret, I only apologize out of remorse.
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 ====== Strategical Considerations ======
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 ====== Expressing Sympathy ======
 In some circles, apology-like expressions may be used as a means to express sympathy for a person who has been wronged or is otherwise going through a difficult time. Individuals may say that they are "sorry" for someone who just lost their husband, even though they were not involved in the husband's fate. In my understanding, this is not an apology as in my formal understanding of what really is an apology, but is conceptually a valid strategy to express sympathy for a person as a means of emotional support.
+====== Over-Apologization ======
+Another phenomenon with apologies is people who cannot help themselves from constantly apologizing over every minute thing that, if it does not cause an inconvenience, at least had the potential to cause an inconvenience. The classic response to being told to please stop is an apology for the constant apologizing. The type to over-apologize is typically one that is very insecure and extremely paranoid about what others think about them, often even to the point where they would still rather apologize even if they're told that their apologies are much worse than not saying anything. It is probably a learned response from a time (often with parents?) in which even the slightest missteps would set people off, so they would learn to pre-empt that by using apologization as an //appeasement strategy//. I don't like over-apologization for three primary reasons:
+''First'', I don't like this because I do not need to be appeased. Being treated as such anyway conveys a sense that they believe, intentional or not, that I cannot control my temper and will lash out at people for slight missteps. My emotions are more complex than simple appeasement strategies and attempts at appeasing me make me feel infantilized.
+''Secondly'', Additionally, apologies require a level of sincerity. By constantly issuing apologies, it becomes harder and harder for me to believe in an individual's sincerity. The more a person apologizes, the more I will start asking myself "Okay, why don't you just start changing your ways then?" and their apologies become harder to believe, up to a point where I have to concede that their apologies are probably mostly a formality. And, well, as an appeasement strategy, these apologies //are// a formality, but then these apologies should better not be used at all. There is no value in an apology used exclusively as a formality. And regardless of whether an apology is used exclusively strategically, or it is really an honest expression of regret, it does not matter when they happen constantly and begin to blend into each other. At some point they become a formality, either way. I think that apologies should be used sparingly, and that each apology in succession incrementally takes away from the next.
+''Thirdly'', individuals with self-worth problems often know that they have them. Now, while thought patterns are very hard to dislodge and often need professional support, reflecting on one's behavior and making an active effort to change it is a very reasonably achievable undertaking.\\
+If someone is psychologically ill, their goal is most likely to get better. Stopping over-apologization in settings where it is inappropriate is a very easy way of actively making an effort towards improving.
+Of course, recognizing behavioral patterns, stopping them as you do them and replacing them with others is still an immense conscious effort that takes a long time and should ideally happen in a therapist-assisted setting. When I say it is a "very easy way", I mean that in comparison to other methods typically explored in therapy. In absolute terms it is still very hard though, of course. Either way, a person who is told that they shouldn't over-apologize needs to realize that stopping is indeed the right way, even if they are perhaps unable to change their behavior at that moment. However, It is very suspicious if a person resists that realization (that stopping is the right thing to do), or even actively finds justifications for their current behavior. These indicate to me that the person is not really interested in actually doing something about their situation.
 ====== Apologies in my System ======
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+{{::stop_saying_sorry.png?nolink|}}\\
+"Wanted to exude remorse anyway for a laugh? We had a tool for that, it was called moving the fuck on with your life and doing better." - Why do I even write pages when I could just post intelligent pictures instead?
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 As you will perhaps be able to preticipate, I have systematized the process of giving out apologies. In fact, I call it "issuing" apologies. However, even though it is systematized, and even though I do calculate thresholds for issuing apologies, much of the system resembles what would be going on in anyone else's brain regarding apologies.