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bad_apple [2025/05/23 22:39] – ultracomfybad_apple [2025/05/23 22:51] (current) – ultracomfy
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 In my opinion, this song is, well, it's extremely good, and I think it deserves a full page analysis for everything I could find in the lyrics. I don't normally analyze lyrics a lot, but this one is special and I hope that I can do it justice and get across how brilliant it is through the analysis. However, I will not be looking at the song from the typical angle. The standard angle to take, on this track, is that the song is about [[Depression]]. This is "correct"((As much as an interpretation of a work of art can be "correct".)), however, I have found that it becomes even more interesting to talk about when analyzed from the angle of [[Narcissistic Personality Disorder]]. As far as I understand this, this angle is //wrong//, but it turns out that NPD and major depression are related in a lot more ways than might be superficially apparent. A lot of NPD symptoms, and a lot of behaviors that NPD causes, are very similar to Depression. Or, in my words, the overlap in terms of mechanics and dynamics in both NPD and Depression, is very large, large enough that it is actually still very //useful// to look at the song from the NPD angle, even though that //will// be a very unorthodox and canonically "wrong" angle to take. It should be clearly said that even though I will be presenting things as //fact// (ie. "this is what this line of the lyrics means"), it is //not// actually what it was intended to mean.\\ In my opinion, this song is, well, it's extremely good, and I think it deserves a full page analysis for everything I could find in the lyrics. I don't normally analyze lyrics a lot, but this one is special and I hope that I can do it justice and get across how brilliant it is through the analysis. However, I will not be looking at the song from the typical angle. The standard angle to take, on this track, is that the song is about [[Depression]]. This is "correct"((As much as an interpretation of a work of art can be "correct".)), however, I have found that it becomes even more interesting to talk about when analyzed from the angle of [[Narcissistic Personality Disorder]]. As far as I understand this, this angle is //wrong//, but it turns out that NPD and major depression are related in a lot more ways than might be superficially apparent. A lot of NPD symptoms, and a lot of behaviors that NPD causes, are very similar to Depression. Or, in my words, the overlap in terms of mechanics and dynamics in both NPD and Depression, is very large, large enough that it is actually still very //useful// to look at the song from the NPD angle, even though that //will// be a very unorthodox and canonically "wrong" angle to take. It should be clearly said that even though I will be presenting things as //fact// (ie. "this is what this line of the lyrics means"), it is //not// actually what it was intended to mean.\\
 +One other note about this analysis is that I am writing it in prose. When compared to the original song, it might look on the surface that I am skipping entire blocks of text, however in actuality it is just that I am just skipping lines of text that I have already analyzed. The song repeats many of its lines, whereas this analysis will not.
  
 ====== Analysis ====== ====== Analysis ======
 +===== Verse 1 =====
 +
 One very defining feature of NPD is that people with it often harbor strong resentments, often against a lot of things. There are all kinds of reasons for this. It's a defense mechanism, useful to deflect a variety of problems with the patient's own (nonexistent) ego. Resentment is useful because it can provide a substantial sense of self that is less in need of defense, ie. less fragile. Resentment was transferred onto people with NPD and they exhibit it as a way of [[projective identification]], ie. to be the one resenting someone/something as opposed to being the one who is resented (which is what they are used to). Inside of people with NPD rages the abyss, the utter absence/invisibleness((People with NPD don't really have no personality, they just cannot access it.)) of a person or personality, the ultimate level of shame and fear a human person is capable of feeling. Confrontation with it feels like utter annihilation and can happen any second of the day. Any one thing that reminds a person with NPD of their (lack of) humanity will lead to a confrontation with the abyss - be it a poor or even just normal grade, be it another person trying to befriend them, be it another person //not// trying to befriend them, being wrong about something, not being loved enough, everything can remind a person with NPD of the abyss. Resenting the things that remind a person with NPD of their abyss can be a way to avoid that confrontation, to alleviate the suffering. Even just good things, like other people having good grades, or other people enjoying their time, can remind a person with NPD of how they are //lacking// these things. Narcissists feel empty inside and can never truly be filled. Every time they become aware of something that is outside of them, they feel //challenged//. Resentment can help repress the abyss.\\ One very defining feature of NPD is that people with it often harbor strong resentments, often against a lot of things. There are all kinds of reasons for this. It's a defense mechanism, useful to deflect a variety of problems with the patient's own (nonexistent) ego. Resentment is useful because it can provide a substantial sense of self that is less in need of defense, ie. less fragile. Resentment was transferred onto people with NPD and they exhibit it as a way of [[projective identification]], ie. to be the one resenting someone/something as opposed to being the one who is resented (which is what they are used to). Inside of people with NPD rages the abyss, the utter absence/invisibleness((People with NPD don't really have no personality, they just cannot access it.)) of a person or personality, the ultimate level of shame and fear a human person is capable of feeling. Confrontation with it feels like utter annihilation and can happen any second of the day. Any one thing that reminds a person with NPD of their (lack of) humanity will lead to a confrontation with the abyss - be it a poor or even just normal grade, be it another person trying to befriend them, be it another person //not// trying to befriend them, being wrong about something, not being loved enough, everything can remind a person with NPD of the abyss. Resenting the things that remind a person with NPD of their abyss can be a way to avoid that confrontation, to alleviate the suffering. Even just good things, like other people having good grades, or other people enjoying their time, can remind a person with NPD of how they are //lacking// these things. Narcissists feel empty inside and can never truly be filled. Every time they become aware of something that is outside of them, they feel //challenged//. Resentment can help repress the abyss.\\
 \\ \\
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 People with NPD don't enjoy doing what they do, they aren't cartoonishly evil. Inside of them //is// a personality, there is a person that wants to be kind and loving, but it literally cannot be as kind as it wants to be. A person with NPD is looking at the very real possibility of never being able to improve, an abyss that is almost even greater than the original abyss.\\ People with NPD don't enjoy doing what they do, they aren't cartoonishly evil. Inside of them //is// a personality, there is a person that wants to be kind and loving, but it literally cannot be as kind as it wants to be. A person with NPD is looking at the very real possibility of never being able to improve, an abyss that is almost even greater than the original abyss.\\
 \\ \\
-\\+===== Verse 2 =====
 In the next verse the song explores the development of NPD, ie. how NPD forms in the developing brain and what it is like as a child and teen. Especially at younger ages, resentment is not quite as pronounced. There, the expression of their disagreement with themselves will look more typical to that of depression, it's pain. At this young age, people with NPD do not have any idea what is going on and they haven't had too many problems yet because of their condition.\\ They are <wrap hi>Slipping through the cracks of a dark eternity, With nothing but my pain and the paralyzing agony</wrap>, and this pain and agony will end up defining them, it will <wrap hi>tell me who I am, who I was</wrap>, with an added emphasis on it not just being about who they are, but that this is a development so fundamental to a person with NPD such that it is also who they have ever been, **even if** that is or is not historically accurate.\\ In the next verse the song explores the development of NPD, ie. how NPD forms in the developing brain and what it is like as a child and teen. Especially at younger ages, resentment is not quite as pronounced. There, the expression of their disagreement with themselves will look more typical to that of depression, it's pain. At this young age, people with NPD do not have any idea what is going on and they haven't had too many problems yet because of their condition.\\ They are <wrap hi>Slipping through the cracks of a dark eternity, With nothing but my pain and the paralyzing agony</wrap>, and this pain and agony will end up defining them, it will <wrap hi>tell me who I am, who I was</wrap>, with an added emphasis on it not just being about who they are, but that this is a development so fundamental to a person with NPD such that it is also who they have ever been, **even if** that is or is not historically accurate.\\
 \\ \\
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 \\ \\
 \\ \\
 +===== Refrain =====
 An unfortunate reality for people with NPD is that their reality is entirely defined through their abyss. All that exists for them //is// the abyss and, maybe, their way of navigating it. To them, friends, family, partners, physical objects or even an objective reality aren't so much a reality as they are concepts warped into surrounding of their abyss. This is pretty similar to depression wherein a deep sense of suffering can define their realities. It's a very disconcerting perspective to have on reality and feels very wrong and confusing: <wrap hi>Maybe it's a dream; maybe nothing else is real</wrap>. The problem with these realities is that they are so warped and wrong that the results they produce are meaningless to any human that doesn't have the condition. The way their feelings work, the ways they manage to navigate their abyss are useless for anyone who doesn't have such an abyss. A person with depression or NPD could tell a person without those conditions about their situation, but "healthy" people will not be able to draw anything useful from their retellings((Or say anything useful to them, for that matter.)):\\ An unfortunate reality for people with NPD is that their reality is entirely defined through their abyss. All that exists for them //is// the abyss and, maybe, their way of navigating it. To them, friends, family, partners, physical objects or even an objective reality aren't so much a reality as they are concepts warped into surrounding of their abyss. This is pretty similar to depression wherein a deep sense of suffering can define their realities. It's a very disconcerting perspective to have on reality and feels very wrong and confusing: <wrap hi>Maybe it's a dream; maybe nothing else is real</wrap>. The problem with these realities is that they are so warped and wrong that the results they produce are meaningless to any human that doesn't have the condition. The way their feelings work, the ways they manage to navigate their abyss are useless for anyone who doesn't have such an abyss. A person with depression or NPD could tell a person without those conditions about their situation, but "healthy" people will not be able to draw anything useful from their retellings((Or say anything useful to them, for that matter.)):\\
 <wrap hi>But it wouldn't mean a thing if I told you how I feel</wrap>\\ <wrap hi>But it wouldn't mean a thing if I told you how I feel</wrap>\\
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 <wrap hi>You can tell me what to say; you can tell me where to go, But I doubt that I would care, and my heart would never know</wrap> addresses this and makes it very clear that to the conscious person, there is a hungry abyss to run away from, where such advice typically given by other people is absolutely untenable and unrealistic (and because of the abyss they don't really have the appreciation for it either). And even worse, given that the abyss has full control over everything in them, there is no way the heart and personality hidden underneath could ever be actually reached in a meaningful way, not with advice like this. A person with NPD could be given a literal script for a conflict with another person, act it out step by step to the absolute letter and, while it would help them navigate their conflict with the other person, it could never **actually** solve them a conflict. Either way, no matter what they do, it will make it worse, either for the people around them, or for themselves inside. Trying to do nothing about their abyss (ie. being //apathetic//) is the only way to help them preserve themselves, but at the same time doing anything to preserve the apathy will make it worse and lead to the final, terminal destruction of them: <wrap hi>If I make another move there'll be no more turning back, Because everything will change and it all will fade to black</wrap>.\\ <wrap hi>You can tell me what to say; you can tell me where to go, But I doubt that I would care, and my heart would never know</wrap> addresses this and makes it very clear that to the conscious person, there is a hungry abyss to run away from, where such advice typically given by other people is absolutely untenable and unrealistic (and because of the abyss they don't really have the appreciation for it either). And even worse, given that the abyss has full control over everything in them, there is no way the heart and personality hidden underneath could ever be actually reached in a meaningful way, not with advice like this. A person with NPD could be given a literal script for a conflict with another person, act it out step by step to the absolute letter and, while it would help them navigate their conflict with the other person, it could never **actually** solve them a conflict. Either way, no matter what they do, it will make it worse, either for the people around them, or for themselves inside. Trying to do nothing about their abyss (ie. being //apathetic//) is the only way to help them preserve themselves, but at the same time doing anything to preserve the apathy will make it worse and lead to the final, terminal destruction of them: <wrap hi>If I make another move there'll be no more turning back, Because everything will change and it all will fade to black</wrap>.\\
 \\ \\
-\\+===== Verse 4 =====
 <wrap hi>Will tomorrow ever come? Will I make it through the night? Will there ever be a place for the broken in the light?</wrap>\\ <wrap hi>Will tomorrow ever come? Will I make it through the night? Will there ever be a place for the broken in the light?</wrap>\\
 The light, here, is the opposite of the night. Night constitutes apathy, and light constitutes the actual caring. For people with NPD, however, caring means a confrontation with the abyss. They don't really //belong// into the light, they don't really have a //place//. They can find a physical //space// in the light, but not actually a place, ie. a physical space that is theirs and where it is right for them to be. Now, one thing to watch out for in people with NPD is that they have lost almost all connection to their feelings. They don't feel feelings in the way normal people do, as their feelings are all defined by their relationship to their abyss((Which isn't entirely true. Not only do people with NPD have a personality, it also isn't entirely dormant. People with NPD are capable of forming bonds that are not defined through their abyss, bonds that are defined by genuine appreciation and admiration for another person. Their behavior towards them can, still, be strongly affected by the abyss, however.)). These people will not have a normal understanding of their feelings and will be extremely confused and unable to tell what is real. Essentially, much like how other people and objects aren't really a reality to people with NPD, their own emotions aren't a reality either. Or, at the very least, they are extremely warped. This is expressed when the lyrics ask <wrap hi>Am I hurting? Am I sad? Should I stay, or should I go?, I've forgotten how to tell. Did I ever even know?</wrap>. The answer to the last question is "No", but to a person with NPD it will feel like they did, at some point in their life. Or maybe they actually did but it's just so bad that they genuinely cannot know anymore, in the same way that a person with depression would not be able to know based on how paradigm-shifting their condition is. The one thing they can tell, though, is that if they stay there will be trouble - and if they go there will be double(([[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQg2qngyIZM&lc=UgynHyPXfcnMSH5rpnl4AaABAg|See highlighted comment.]])).\\ The light, here, is the opposite of the night. Night constitutes apathy, and light constitutes the actual caring. For people with NPD, however, caring means a confrontation with the abyss. They don't really //belong// into the light, they don't really have a //place//. They can find a physical //space// in the light, but not actually a place, ie. a physical space that is theirs and where it is right for them to be. Now, one thing to watch out for in people with NPD is that they have lost almost all connection to their feelings. They don't feel feelings in the way normal people do, as their feelings are all defined by their relationship to their abyss((Which isn't entirely true. Not only do people with NPD have a personality, it also isn't entirely dormant. People with NPD are capable of forming bonds that are not defined through their abyss, bonds that are defined by genuine appreciation and admiration for another person. Their behavior towards them can, still, be strongly affected by the abyss, however.)). These people will not have a normal understanding of their feelings and will be extremely confused and unable to tell what is real. Essentially, much like how other people and objects aren't really a reality to people with NPD, their own emotions aren't a reality either. Or, at the very least, they are extremely warped. This is expressed when the lyrics ask <wrap hi>Am I hurting? Am I sad? Should I stay, or should I go?, I've forgotten how to tell. Did I ever even know?</wrap>. The answer to the last question is "No", but to a person with NPD it will feel like they did, at some point in their life. Or maybe they actually did but it's just so bad that they genuinely cannot know anymore, in the same way that a person with depression would not be able to know based on how paradigm-shifting their condition is. The one thing they can tell, though, is that if they stay there will be trouble - and if they go there will be double(([[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQg2qngyIZM&lc=UgynHyPXfcnMSH5rpnl4AaABAg|See highlighted comment.]])).\\
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 Going back to being told what to say and what to do, people with NPD will try absolutely anything, but they will never be able to get even close to understanding other humans. Rationally, maybe, they can process them as numbers and social constructs, but not as meatballs with emotions((Partly because they themselves don't really have an understanding of what an emotion is; again, because of how much the abyss warps their perception of //everything//.)):\\ Going back to being told what to say and what to do, people with NPD will try absolutely anything, but they will never be able to get even close to understanding other humans. Rationally, maybe, they can process them as numbers and social constructs, but not as meatballs with emotions((Partly because they themselves don't really have an understanding of what an emotion is; again, because of how much the abyss warps their perception of //everything//.)):\\
 <wrap hi>All the people that I see I will never understand</wrap>\\ <wrap hi>All the people that I see I will never understand</wrap>\\
-\\ 
-\\ 
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 +===== Verse 5 =====
 Confrontation with the abyss does not actually help, it does not lead to learning experiences. The abyss is a cruel suffering, because it does not teach anything, it does not say anything. The pain from touching a hot stove is useful and was, for the longest time, the ultimate survival mechanism that humans had. You can learn something from the pain you feel after getting consequences for your actions, but the abyss is different. There is nothing to gain here, and confronting the abyss doesn't help you heal or improve. It is pointless suffering. A headache tells you to find a calm and dark spot to rest, the pain from a finger you pinched in the door makes you more careful around doors - the abyss does neither. People with NPD are constantly fighting themselves so they don't do things they know would hurt them. Be it lashing out at someone who they resent, breaking up friendships or partnerships, quitting a job and so many more, their abyss constantly pushes them to do these things to avoid confrontation with the abyss. But anything they can do will make it worse, it will only accelerate the confrontation with the abyss, and the confrontation with the abyss will ultimately annihilitate them. Being humans at their core, they will put obscene amounts of effort into maintaining a normal, human living space around them, they attempt - within their ability - to find friends, to find things to be enthusiastic about, to care and to want things, but this facade is constantly on the verge of annihilation, and so is their entire existence. One mistake will wreck it all, and 99% of things that they do //are// a mistake: <wrap hi>If I make another move, if I take another step, Then it all would fall apart. There'd be nothing of me left</wrap>\\ Confrontation with the abyss does not actually help, it does not lead to learning experiences. The abyss is a cruel suffering, because it does not teach anything, it does not say anything. The pain from touching a hot stove is useful and was, for the longest time, the ultimate survival mechanism that humans had. You can learn something from the pain you feel after getting consequences for your actions, but the abyss is different. There is nothing to gain here, and confronting the abyss doesn't help you heal or improve. It is pointless suffering. A headache tells you to find a calm and dark spot to rest, the pain from a finger you pinched in the door makes you more careful around doors - the abyss does neither. People with NPD are constantly fighting themselves so they don't do things they know would hurt them. Be it lashing out at someone who they resent, breaking up friendships or partnerships, quitting a job and so many more, their abyss constantly pushes them to do these things to avoid confrontation with the abyss. But anything they can do will make it worse, it will only accelerate the confrontation with the abyss, and the confrontation with the abyss will ultimately annihilitate them. Being humans at their core, they will put obscene amounts of effort into maintaining a normal, human living space around them, they attempt - within their ability - to find friends, to find things to be enthusiastic about, to care and to want things, but this facade is constantly on the verge of annihilation, and so is their entire existence. One mistake will wreck it all, and 99% of things that they do //are// a mistake: <wrap hi>If I make another move, if I take another step, Then it all would fall apart. There'd be nothing of me left</wrap>\\
 \\ \\
bad_apple.txt · Last modified: 2025/05/23 22:51 by ultracomfy
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