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--- christmas [2024/02/04 20:01] – ultracomfy
+++ christmas [2025/04/09 20:06] (current) – ultracomfy
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+~~Title:Christmas~~
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 However, predictably this wasn't going to last forever. I saw that coming ahead of time and mentally prepared for it so I wasn't hit //that// bad, but obviously this eventually broke down once I understood little bit better the context and reasons why things happened they way they did. I quickly disillusioned and things got... gray. It suddenly didn't feel real anymore. Faked. Forced. As if we went there to have fun because that's the right thing to do, while not actually enjoying ourselves. It became less and less involved over the years and that alone wasn't really a problem. The problem I //actually// ran into is that I began to regret ever having enjoyed Christmas so much. I began questioning whether that overwhelming sense of joy I felt as a kid was perhaps pathologic. A manic phase of an otherwise dysfunctional child? All my memories have kind of lost their validity back then as I find it more and more reasonable that what happened back then were actually early signs of something being wrong with me.
-These days, Christmas is the annual occasion for these thoughts to crop back up into my head; memories of a childhood long past, one that I used to hold in high regards but question more and more; witnessing how the dreams and hopes of my younger self are quietly dying with each year I spend in isolation and, more importantly, desperation. It's a stark reminder of how much I have lost, of things I will never reattain. A gift I never asked for, and may even want to return if I had the choice. The same goes for [[New Year's Eve]].
+These days, Christmas is the annual occasion for these thoughts to crop back up into my head; memories of a childhood long past, one that I used to hold in high regards but question more and more; witnessing how the dreams and hopes of my younger self are quietly dying with each year I spend in isolation and, more importantly, desperation. It's a stark reminder of how much I have lost, of things I will never reattain. A gift I never asked for, and may even want to return if I had the choice. The same goes for [[New Year's Eve]]. The problem is probably not even Christmas itself. Imagine I had plenty of friends and we could recreate the same atmosphere from what I know and loved, I suspect I would probably still not get there emotionally. It feels like this whole part of me has just died off, like I have changed too much, perhaps "too bitter" to actually enjoy it anymore. Now, I understand that any therapist would tell me that setting these expectations is the wrong place to start and that it's not about "being as nice as it used to be" - especially since my memory of those events will be distorted, positively - but that's not the point. The point is that I want to enjoy a Christmas in a way that makes me happy, and right now I just don't know //anything// that could make me happy. I believe that I just have too many things to work through before I can actually clear my mind and actually even //try// enjoying Christmas.