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--- relationship_partner_comparison [2026/09/11 09:04] – ultracomfy
+++ relationship_partner_comparison [2026/09/11 09:39] (current) – ultracomfy
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 There are a lot of concepts that play into this that I have not mentioned. For example, this whole question is a trust thing. And it's why I personally choose to give the straight answer. If I am always truthful, people around me know what they're dealing with. There aren't any games being played, no dancing around uncomfortable questions, no moments of uncertainty where a person can't be sure whether what I said is really what I think. Does he //really// love me? Does he think I'm ugly? There is no ambiguity with me. Of course this involves accepting a reality that is inherently imperfect and, at times, quite ugly, but once the trust is there it makes things a lot easier. If you've ever been worried about something in a relationship... that doesn't happen.
+====== Reassurance ======
+There was one comment that I thought was actually quite reasonable: "This isn’t about facts: the fact that someone is prettier. It’s about empathy, connection and feeling secure. But obviously this guy lacks awareness"\\
+The problem I see here is that A //asked// for an opinion. I can understand the interpretation that A maybe just wanted emotional reassurance, and that's perfectly reasonable, but A could have just asked for reassurance ("Do you love me even if other people are prettier?"). But A didn't, and as far as B is concerned, B's response is perfectly valid and reassuring and there is no reason //not// to say it. If you interpret it the way this commenter lays it out, my conclusion would be that there is a mismatch of personalities. A expected reassurance from B, but B just gave a "straight" answer. B gave an answer that responds to the question //literally//.
+But, in fact, I would argue that the way B responded actually was quite emotionally sensitive. B //could have// just said "Yes" ("Yes, I think she is prettier than you") and left it there. Imagine that. But instead, B added that beauty is not what B's commitment to A is based on, which is a good explanation for why A shouldn't need to worry about prettier people.
+I think that whether you give someone a reassuring answer or a straight answer, both options are acceptable. You, as a potentialy reassurance-seeker just have to think about whether this kind of stuff matters to you. If you are the kind of person who needs and values reassuring answers, then you probably shouldn't get together with someone who doesn't provide that. For example, I'm the kind of person who gives straight answers, but I tell people that ahead of time and then it is their choice as to whether they are okay with that or not. Some people need reassuring answers, some people don't care. This is individual preference. Now, would I reassure if asked specifically? Definitely. This is a personal incompatibility between A and B. Now, if you're already //married// and have yet to find this out then this is a failure on both sides that neither identified this as a problem early. This is why we spend time together before entering a romantic relationship or even marrying. Of course you can marry despite problems like this - this is not a marriage-ender - but it //will// put strain on the marriage. Though at some point A should wisen up to this incompatibility and realize that they're not getting the kind of response they want.
+Finally, when I used the term acceptable up there to say that both a reassuring answer as well as the straight answer are actually OK, I originally used the term "good". However, I think only the honest/straight answer can truly be classified as "good". For utility purposes I can //understand// the reassuring answer being used. Still, you shouldn't ask questions where you know you'll hope someone else will lie for you to make you feel better. The honest answer provides encouragement for A to reconsider how good of a question their question was, and to hopefully not ask those kinds of questions again in the future. Or, at the very least, make it very clear next time that "hey, I'm asking this question right now for reassurance, could you give me reassurance?", which I don't think many people will decline. I certainly wouldn't.
 ====== Outtakes ======
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 Another says that noone should ever objectively visually compare their partner to anyone else, even if asked. What? I mean, to say that your partner is beautiful you have to compare them against your own preferences at least once, and during that process you will get //some// kind of idea of how beautiful you think they are. But I guess maybe you shouldn't compare them to someone else, which brings me to...
-..."This isn’t about facts: the fact that someone is prettier. It’s about empathy, connection and feeling secure. But obviously this guy lacks awareness". Honestly, I think this is one of the most tangible, workable criticisms. The problem I see here is that A //asked// for an opinion. I can understand the interpretation that A maybe just wanted emotional reassurance, and that's perfectly reasonable, but A could have just asked for reassurance. As far as B is concerned, B's response is perfectly valid and reassuring and there is no reason //not// to say it. In this interpretation, my conclusion would be that there is a mismatch of personalities. A expected reassurance from B, but B just gave a "straight" answer (ie. an answer that responds to the question //literally// - in fact, I'd argue B was quite.. emotionally sensitive by adding that beauty is not what B's commitment to A is based on. The most literal response from B would have been "Yes" without any context. Imagine that.). Both options are fine, whether you give someone a reassuring answer or a straight answer, you just have to think about whether this kind of stuff matters to you. If you are the kind of person who needs and values reassuring answers, then you probably shouldn't get together with someone who doesn't provide that. For example, I'm the kind of person who gives straight answers, but I tell people that ahead of time and then it is their choice as to whether they are okay with that or not. Some people need reassuring answers, some people don't care. This is individual preference. Now, would I reassure if asked specifically? Definitely. This is a personal incompatibility between A and B. Now, if you're already //married// and have yet to find this out then this is a failure on both sides that neither identified this as a problem early. This is why we spend time together before entering a romantic relationship or even marrying. Of course you can marry despite problems like this - this is not a marriage-ender - but it //will// put strain on the marriage. Though at some point A should wisen up to this incompatibility and realize that they're not getting the kind of response they want.
 "They have not fell in love, that's why. Love literally rewires the brain to see that person as the most beautiful person."\\