Through observation and introspection I have, over the years, developed a somewhat socially adapted system to navigate and deescalate interpersonal conflict. The system primarily serves as a framework/guideline for me on how to express my feelings and encourage a conversation to peacefully resolve problems. This is done in five distinct “stages”, the fifth of which coming into effect in case the system fails at producing sufficient results. Exact descriptions for each stage can be seen below.

There used to be a past in which I rationalized human conflict in these five stages exactly. I warned and final'd and consequence'd people directly and explicitly, which was extremely socially unadapted, got me weird looks, I did not get taken serious, ridiculed, and it made situations worse. That last part was because people thought I was robotically threatening them with consequences, which none of this is actually about. While the goal is indeed to be robotic (insofar as to be very predictable and calculated), the goal is not to threaten people. Every step before actual consequences themselves are about avoiding consequences by inviting a person to a conversation. The big words on the cover (“Warning”, Final“, etc.) really just state how important it is.

These days I do this in a way that is a lot more socially adapted. I don't explicitly tell people “This is an S3-Repeat Warn”¹⁾ but package it in a way that humans will consider socially adapted. That's annoying to me because anything but S3-Repeat Warn is less precise than just saying S3-Repeat Warn, but it is the overall better play. This is to say, issuing notices, warnings, repeated warnings, finals and consequences now only happens implicitly (except with the people who I have already introduced to these terms). We all do this all the time, we just don't think about it in such a structured way and nobody but me uses these particular terms, but when your mom is shitting on your dad for coming drunk from work, that's the equivalent to a S3-Repeat Warn.

I will also mention that there are some acts which are so egregiously and obviously malicious that some, most or even all steps are skipped. Standard Conflict Resolution is closely tied to Ethical Jurisdiction and often goes hand in hand. In these cases, pro-active defense is necessitated by the offender and we cannot wait until the system is run through conventionally.

Notice

Warning

Repeated Warning

Final

Consequences

To mitigate the risk of conflict and escalation during a conversation, my then-best friend and I developed a flag system with the goal of enabling quick emotions communication and enabling swift and mutually understood action to prevent escalation.

Green Flag

Yellow Flag

Red Flag

Emotions Check